COPING WITH GRIEF

By Maureen Ross, M.A., NCC, RYT

June, 2010

UNDERSTANDING THE LOSS OF A PET

A loved one can be any being that shares your life and your heart.  That love knows no species boundaries.  The same range and intensity of emotions are experienced.  As Moira Anderson, M.Ed. states, “Grief is like a swamp without a map.  It is easy to lose any sense of where you are going or where you have been.  In time, as you progress through the grief-swamp to the solid ground of a “normal” emotional state again, that hole will change from a bitter gap to a well of pleasant memories.” 

THE VALUE OF A PET (Perception)

No matter what anyone says, thinks or interprets, you have every right to grieve the loss of a pet.  The relationship is every bit as precious and meaningful as one you may have had with a person.  Like any relationship, love is an investment of emotions, with an unlimited potential for returns.  A good relationship with a pet has been shown to relieve stress, lower blood pressure, and give people a new purpose.  They allow us to nurture, be needed and reward us with unconditional positive regard and companionship even during the worse situations or events in our lives.  Pets are used widely in therapeutic situations to meet treatment goals Dog Talk and New England Pet Partners.

 EMOTIONAL REACTIONS

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross lists the stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying as follows:  

     First Stage:               Denial & Isolation

     Second Stage:          Anger

     Third Stage:            Bargaining

     Fourth Stage:           Depression

     Fifth Stage:               Acceptance

Be mindful that there is no absolute pattern for grief.   Patterns are experienced differently at various stages of life, from childhood through older adult.  One may be depressed before denying that one’s pet is ill, dying or passed on.  Everyone will experience these stages in different combinations and intensities. Your personality, the type of relationship one has with their pet, a personal situation at the time of death of a pet, and cultural and religious beliefs, all play a part in how each of us individually cope with pending loss and change. 

Each of us has our own individual, unique ways of coping with loss.  The important thing is to cope with the emotions and allow others to cope in their own special way.

When denied an outlet, emotions do not go way … they simply manifest in side of you, twirling around, looking for an outlet.  Emotions will find that outlet eventually and unexpectedly.  Unresolved or repressed emotions can keep one embittered and hurting for years.  Acknowledging these emotions is a good way to begin.  Writing your emotions can be cathartic … talking to supportive friends & family or seeking professional help are other ways to help you cope.

Denial may be one of the first defense mechanisms to help you on a brief, temporary basis.  It enables you to shift your attention, for the time being, away from emotions too painful to bear.  It is a mechanism that enables you to ignore reality.  The reality of impending death is often too painful to accept on a conscious level.  Denial is a way of avoiding mental anguish. 

You may need to keep yourself together for a variety of reasons (to work, to be the sole financial person, parenting, to drive home safely, to get food).  Eventually, you will need to deal with the reality and take time for yourself.   

It is a natural response to be angry when you have lost a loved one (pet or human).  Sometimes we look around for someone or something to blame.  If all of your energy is focused on anger, you will have little time to feel your pain.  Striking back can be gratifying, particularly if someone or a situation is to blame for your loss.  However, acknowledging your pain is an essential part of the grieving process. 

It is natural to ask, “why did this happen to me, my child or my pet?”  Why did s/he have to die?  Rationalizing that it wouldn’t have happened “if only I’d done this or they’d done that” may enter your thoughts.  This is normal.  Be with the thoughts.  Let them flow.  It is natural to want to seek retribution if the death of a pet is malicious.  Always take-a-deep-breath and consider the circumstances and the outcome of whatever it is you choose to do.  Whatever your particular situation is … eventually you will need to come to terms with acceptance of emotions and loss. 

Forgiveness is your choice, but acceptance will help you move on.

Depression can result from physical and emotional causes.  It can range from “feeling low … in a funk” to “emotional paralysis” (can’t get out of bed or function).  It can last a few days or drag on for weeks or months.  More than that, it is helpful to seek professional help. 

The loss of any loved one is traumatic, painful and stressful.  Pets are no exception.  It plunges a person into a whirlpool of emotions and one may want to withdraw from the rest of the world. 

Most of us have been in a situation following a death of a loved one where we feel that “no-one can possibly understand how we feel”.  It’s true!  No one can, but most people can empathize with your situation.  Moira Anderson author of “Coping with Sorrow” describes depression as being like “quicksand”.  You can feel as though you are slowly sinking.  Seek out help with supportive friends, family members or a professional who specializes in depression and understands the grieving for any species.

Sometimes, the death of a pet can be like a dam bursting.  Suddenly, floods of painful emotions that may have been bottled up for years explode.  For example, if your life is in turmoil or you are having problems in your career, family situations or a relationship, your pet may be the only stable companion in your life.  No matter how bad things get, your pet will offer unconditional acceptance & love.  Thus, the loss of a pet should be viewed in the context of your life at the time of the loss … not just as a single event.  Shield yourself from those who simply do not understand the loss of a pet, and/or, lack the communication skills to effectively offer you helpful support.  If you hear someone say "you'll get over it", politely excuse yourself from them for awhile.  What I find helps is asking them "how do you know this or is this really true?"  People who haven't shared a life with pets can empathize, but they do not walk the talk!  Seek out those who do for support.   

WILL I EVER GET PAST THIS?

Yes you will, in time.  Letting go and moving on belongs to you.  Life is too precious.  Time and your values (beliefs) will help with the grieving process.  Volunteering with others helps too.  Again, seeking out one or two others, who are aware, can understand and support you during this time of loss helps.  Above all, honor your own individualism and choice of how to grieve.  Embrace the grief and emotions.  This is a good time to make peace spiritually with ourselves.  Like a wound, it may heal, but the scar will remain.  However, we do not need to focus on the scar everyday.  We just “know” it is there.  We transcend to a higher place where the thought of our pet is not one of grief, but of pleasurable memories; of experiences, as part of the circle of life.  Some of the steps to help you acknowledge your feelings about grief are:

Be prepared: if you know a pet’s death is imminent … prepare yourself & your family for the loss by sharing feelings:

              Embrace your grieve … allow it

              Create a journal, photo album and scrapbook to celebrate the pet’s life

              Rearrange your surroundings

              Change your schedule

              Concentrate on surviving pets

              Get another pet when you are ready, not as a replacement, but as an individual

              Listening and talking to others who have experienced a similar loss can be helpful

              Seek outside help if necessary

  WHAT TO TELL CHILDREN

When a child loses a pet either through death or divorce, parents (all adults) must be extra-sensitive.  I mention divorce because divorce is a kind of death of a relationship, and a way of being for couples and families.  Families grieve the loss of a lifestyle that was, while wondering what will be.  It can be a scary and confusing time wracked with emotions and fear of the unknown, especially for children. 

How death is explained to children and how adult’s role model their own grief will leave a lasting impression.  Age makes a difference:

          Children less than 5 years old usually don’t understand death and its permanency, so it's important to be concrete, but gentle.  Explain that Daisy isn't coming back, using your own creative or value / belief driven story (playing in heaven-- peaceful--Rainbow Bridge).

          Children between 5 and 10 want all the gory details and often ask many questions.  They are curious!  Answer them truthfully and with as much information as you can.

          Journaling, photo albums and scrapbooks will help ease the pain and celebrate the pet’s positive memories.

          Children from 10 through the teenage years are generally capable of understanding the meaning of death and experience all of the emotions.  

          Teenagers may shuffle them off, but they are suffering too in their own private way.  Be patient, listen and encourage conversation without judgement. 

It helps to put a closure on grieving eventually.  This can be done with a ceremony celebrating the pet’s life.  Many find solace in writing.  Others believe that their pets will be waiting for them at “Rainbow Bridge” to guide them on to another life’s journey.

 PETS AND DIVORCE

I have lived with dogs all of my life.  As a child, my dog was my safe place and companion.  As a adult, they are part of my life and work  (pet-assisted therapy).  I cannot envision my life without dogs.  As a counselor, I feel more helpful and useful having a dog as a catalyst to creat change.  I grieve deeply at the loss of each of my dogs.  I have held many of them in my arms, as they taught me how to be brave and let them go.  Growing up I witnessed what a lack of education and understand (generation to generation) can do to dogs.  I knew then that I would make a difference for dogs-- I would create change.  Living and learning with dogs has changed my life. 

During divorce, parents are flooded with questions and decisions to be made for themselves and their children’s future.  In some states, families are mandated to attend mediation and for a good reason.  They need a place to sort this out with guidance.

One of the most poignant (and painful) experiences is when there are children and pets involved.  Having been a child of divorce myself, I am keenly aware of what my dog and other pets meant to me.  Some of the scariest moments of my life were “not knowing” whether my pets would be taken away from me.  I packed my little suitcase several times, not really knowing where I would go.  I was always sure of one thing:  my dog was going with me. 

In a child’s mind, the conflicts that arise from divorce are amplified very often as monsters.  The emotions are too complicated for any child to have to sift through on their own.  So many emotions are playing a part in the parent’s decisions on liabilities and assets.  Decisions around the parental and physical custody of the children are key elements of these proceedings.   Inadvertently, the child’s fears of being abandoned by one or both parents, and of losing their beloved pet, are being ignored.  Very often, the children aren’t even asked or involved in the proceedings (age dependent). 

I think this has to be a “must” consideration for all adults involved with children, divorce and pets.  The same emotions of hurt, anger, fear, abandonment, and that strong feeling of loss, need to be gently addressed in a way that a child understands.  They need a safe haven to express their feelings.  In that safe haven, the children need their pet for support and safety.  At this point and in a child’s mind, they rely heavily on the unconditional support of their pet that sits and listens for hours.  The child trusts the pet, but may temporarily not be able to rely on support from emotionally distraught adults. 

Another consideration at the time of divorce is the role modeling of the parents and mediators, counselors or attorneys involved in the proceedings where children are present.  Be mindful that this is a huge transition for the child.  Depending on the age, it can be threatening, misunderstood or copied later on in life.  They are observing their parents and other people with decision-making “power”.  You want the child to know that their feelings and the care of their pets are being given “careful consideration”.  Ensure the children that everything possible is being done so their pets will remain with them.  If this isn’t possible, then gently explain the next best alternative.  It is my strong opinion that parents or professionals should not "lie" to children, but look for an age-appropriate way to explain the situation (stories, writing, dvds). 

Pets need to be an integral part of the divorce proceedings, whether it is who will have physical care of the pets and/or who will cover expenses for their care.  If it is financially not possible, then the best alternative to the negotiated agreement needs to be gently expressed to the children. In my experience, usually one of the parents can and will take the pets if they have been alerted to the fact that this is very important to the child.

The trauma and grief that accompanies divorce affects the pets as well as the children.  When possible, the best situation is to keep the pets in one household, at least for a transition time or place them where they will be safe.  Otherwise, parents are not only dealing with emotional issues that go along with divorce, but the behavioral issues of a dog who simply can’t process all of these human emotions. 

Note:  In situations where children have been removed from parental care and placed in foster homes because of domestic violence, then the pets should be removed as well and put in a safe place.  It is a well-known fact that when a parent or child is being abused, chances are so are the pets The Latham Foundation.

Either way, pets are extremely important to the children’s over-all sense of well-being.  They are losing one or both of their parents and a lifestyle they have been accustom too.  If they lose their pet too … then what?  

Very often, adults also latch onto the pet during times of separation and divorce.  The pet is the soft place to fall.  Be mindful of the emotion being "dumped" onto the pet.  I have worked in situations where the dog is now trying to fill the void as partner.  They do it extremely well, but it is not without a price.  Many dogs become confused, conflicted, and in some cases, over-protective.  A sweet mellow canine companion suddenly has to take on the responsibility of being therapist and protector.  Frankly, it is not fair to the dog.       

 TEN TIPS FOR HELPING OTHERS

1. Being there and being supportive can make a huge difference.  Listening--   Just saying, “I can only imagine what you are going through; it is different and personal for all of us; I’ve lost a pet too” can help.  Encourage your friend to express grief … let them know it is okay, safe & confidential.
2. Acting as a buffer … offering to accompany a friend to the Vet; with a memorial service; errands; offer to help cook dinner one evening.
3. If pets are involved in a divorce proceeding, offering to take the children or care for the pets is a gift.
4. Making yourself available without being pushy.
5. Making an effort to get your friend involved in activities (movie, theater, yoga class, cup of coffee) as a gentle distraction.
6. Sharing insights, without being overbearing, that you have gained on coping with grief after death or divorce (i.e. "something that helped me is...).
7. Sending a condolence card.  Make a donation in the pet’s name to a charity of choice (the griever's). 
8. Sharing your pet, only if your friend seeks the desire for the company of another animal.
9. If you think it will be well received, using a special talent of your own to make a memorial for the friend (frame a favorite picture, calligraphy, a poem, needlepoint).
10. Be understanding, especially if you are the employer of an someone who has lost a pet.  Being considerate and giving them a day or two off, without judgment, and time to adjust to their loss is helpful. 

  PITFALLS / BLUNDERS TO AVOID / THEN LETTING GO

We all make mistakes.  That is how we learn.  We all put our foots in our mouths, oftentimes, when we least expect it or want too.  A family member or friend's loss affects us too.  It creates stressful and, oftentimes, awkward situations.  We all embrace grief differently.   In our toolbox of communication, one of the easiest things we can do is take a deep breath and try not to do any of the following:

1.      Rushing out or even suggesting a new pet for your friend or family member.  The selection of a new companion is a personal one-- the grieving time is a needed, individual process.

2.      Saying “good-bye” happens in different ways for different people.  Avoiding statements such as “you should have been there when s/he was put to sleep” will not help.  This is a personal choice.  Sometimes being present when a beloved pet is helped along is the worse possible choice for the person and the pet.  Becoming emotionally unglued will upset the pet even more. 

3.      Forcing anyone into an action they are not ready for--  let them know that you are there and the door is open when they are ready.

4.      Filling silence with too many words-- silence can be a good thing.  Oftentimes, we try too hard to filling the space.  Letting them know that you are available and listening is helpful.

5.      Do not take it personally if your friend doesn’t want to come anywhere near your happy, bouncy, living pet.

6.      Dismissing pain with glib statements such as “time heals all wounds” or “you’ll get another pet” or “you’ll get over it”.  How do you know this is true for them?   

7.      Regaling your friend with horror stories of a “friend’s pet who is dying of cancer”.  They don’t need any horror stories.  They are living through one.

8.      Letting yourself be sucked into family arguments.  Know your limitations.  If you sense that the loss of a pet is creating stress on family relationships, step back and lend your support from afar with sympathy cards, donations or phone calls.  You do not need to be stuck in the middle.

9.      Measuring everyone’s experience by your own yardstick-- If a friend seems to be reacting differently from the way you reacted or whose grief is lasting longer than yours did, allow it!  If your friend is putting on a brave face, there are gentle ways to draw them out.  You might try sharing “how you cried for three days when your dog died or how you thought no-one would understand.” 

10.   Letting people know that you find grief over a pet loss acceptable and respectful.  Being mindfully helpful & supportive.   

11.  Consider all of the above as applied to families going through divorce, or any traumatic lifestyle transition, where children and pets are involved.  

12.  Taking a deep breath and consider:  Would I like someone saying this to me at a critical and emotional time like this? 

As you share someone else’s pain and empathize with their loss, you may wake up one day to find that you have passed through your own misery and come out a stronger, more understanding person for it.  It is one more amazing lesson that pets bring to our lives. 

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